What do you gain from suffering when it becomes your identity? Secondary Gain is the concept of only identifying with areas in your life (past or present) that appear hopeless and out of your control.

Some examples include a chronic illness, a mental illness, a disability, or other victim variables (past trauma exposures, family dysfunction, and political and systemic aggression). While your experiences and suffering associated with these events are 100% valid and worth protecting, your integrity is also dependent on the many complex and unique aspects of your personality you might be disregarding. Attachment to pain can hinder your potential to learn or celebrate all the other gifts you offer to thrive and find purpose.

Attachment to pain can hinder your potential to learn or celebrate all the other gifts you offer to thrive and find purpose.

While secondary gain can provide us with the benefit of gaining some sense of purpose such as acceptance and being seen and validated, there is the cost of not building radical acceptance and personal responsibility. Identifying only with your pain and externalizing it by acting out resentment, avoidance, and/or aggression keeps you stuck because it grants only temporary emotional relief. Feelings of emptiness that are fueled by pain will not help you in the long term to find hope and meaning.

It’s easier to live with the reality that you are limited in some aspects than to recognize you internally feel powerless. Learning to trust yourself and find hope is key to stepping out of some security that is harming you in the long term and bringing people close to you down with you. If you recognize this challenge in yourself, review the questions below and watch your narrative transform into something empowering! You can also download this worksheet and review the questions here.

Find gratitude.

What are the things you are grateful for? Gratitude helps us change perspective. Sometimes, it’s the little things that are there to bring joy to our lives—like a warm cup of coffee, a smile, or an exchange of kind words. When considering the things we tend to overlook, we recognize there’s always something to be thankful for.

Seek support.

Think of people who show up as a consistent support system throughout your life. What aspects of their character do you admire? Having a support system is key to improving your mental health. Receiving advice and asking for help shows strength in character. We are never alone in our struggles. A support system can be anyone you trust such as a family member, friend, your therapist, or a self-help group.

Be inspired.

Who or what inspires you? How does it instill hope in you? A source of inspiration can come from many places, from podcasts you listen to, a captivating painting, a thought leader, or a community that does things for the better good. Being inspired motivates us to recognize what makes us tick—our passions and values. Surrounding ourselves with inspiring things helps us grow and evolve.

Identify personal responsibility.

What are you in control of now? Our feelings are valid and we are in control of how we choose to respond to them. As ruler of a large empire, Marcus Aurelius acquired this pragmatic approach to get through a chaotic time in history. By learning to not attach to the hurtful things we can’t control, the way out can only be to challenge our perceptions by focusing inward and working towards our own goals. In the end, we become less affected by circumstances by understanding that we can’t control what others think, feel, and do—and that makes it less personal.

Create healthy habits.

What current habits are benefiting you? What habits have you not yet tried? If you notice self-care strategies like exercise, good sleep, and eating healthy nutritious food are benefitting you, continue working on those habits. Look into adding more and celebrate the rewards that come with them, such as energy, better cognitive ability, and peace of mind.

Change the narrative.

Looking at all the above factors, what other stories about yourself are you not telling? Do you see stories of strength, determination, and sovereignty in your examples? What can you do with these newfound characteristics of yourself? What choices (willpower) can you make to change the outcome? When we consciously work on changing a negative narrative into a positive one, we empower ourselves to see challenges as opportunities for growth, setbacks as temporary hurdles, and ourselves as capable and resilient individuals. Narrative therapy is an actual modality therapists use to help their clients construct positive themes while approaching things objectively. We can learn to reframe negative experiences and circumstances by building resilience, becoming self-aware, become more confident, and relate better with others.

Are you ready to put this into practice? Download the worksheet and try this now!

Negative emotions tend to be avoided because they are uncomfortable and make us feel bad about ourselves. What if I told you that shifting the way we think about things helps us get closer to understanding what we want over what we demand?

Every negative emotion is associated with fears—fear of being unlovable, unsafe, incapable, or worthless. The next time you experience events that trigger you into feeling sad, anxious, or angry, try to identify what you fear and how you want to situation to change. Identifying the problem helps you place less power over external forces and redirects the energy into building self-compassion and learning more about yourself.

What you fear

For example, suppose you entered a great restaurant for lunch and witnessed a customer harassing and threatening the restaurant manager and employees (this actually happened to me yesterday). I noticed the dysregulation in my body and anger brewing. As a loyal customer I know they do great business and did not deserve that treatment.

I examined myself once the customer finally left and recognized that I feared my safety and recalled moments where I struggled to deal with difficult people like that.

My initial impulse was the fight response—to react and defend the restaurant staff but I did not want to cause any more trouble than what already was occurring. I knew that reactivity was meant to be directed towards past unmet needs. I examined myself once the customer finally left and recognized that I feared my safety and recalled moments where I struggled to deal with similar difficult people who once had the authority to thwart my integrity. As a result, I was helpless and felt I lacked agency at that moment.

What you want

I remembered people like that in my past who made me feel so low when I did not do anything wrong. The manager certainly was not in the wrong and was so calm as to not escalate the situation. I realized that all I wanted or needed was to relax and get away from people looking for a fight.

How to change it

With this understanding that I fear getting into trouble for no reason at all and that I already was in a safe stable environment with reasonable people, I used that anger to do something productive by giving them a generous tip and letting them know that I support their business. That’s how I changed the situation and made my way home.

Exercise

Start journaling events that trigger your negative emotions. Identify what you fear, need, and what you would do to change it. As you look at your saved entries over time, begin tracking patterns such as themes and core beliefs. Understanding what pushed your buttons can get you closer to understanding yourself better and how you want to show up.

Sex has often been discussed as taboo or a risk factor for diseases and other unwanted issues that can impact our future and development. While these points are valid, research shows that sex can also promote mental, physical, and even spiritual health. By gathering a holistic picture of the health benefits of sex we can make informed decisions about how we view sex and the ways we can integrate it into our lives.

Research today focuses mainly on the difficult aspects of sex—however, we still know little about the causal implications of sex in physical and mental wellbeing. For example, sex is said to reduce mortality, but it might be a contributing factor among many others. What can be argued is that sex nourishes our mind and body while cultivating our human need to connect with others. It helps increase levels of trust and intimacy, replaces physical pain with pleasure, and releases restrained emotions with deeper awareness—all of which are known to share responsibility for us living longer healthier lives.

Sex stimulates our minds

Sex can help manage our mental health by activating the brain to respond favorably to positive social queues. As we improve our relationships and remain connected as opposed to physically isolated, the quality and longevity of our lives are better impacted.

Sexual activity releases oxytocin, known as the love hormone. When genuine human interactions are expressed, oxytocin’s role is to trigger positive emotional responses, such as feeling safe and stress-free. Oxytocin functions with dopamine and serotonin as well by inducing pleasurable effects and sustaining the reward system. Warm smiles, consensual touch, and kind gestures help maintain reciprocal connection and trust. For example, touching the breast increases arousal due to its association with the pleasing sensations of emotionally bonding with a baby.

Physical intercourse displays the highest benefits in mental health followed by other sexual activities (Brody, 2010). Although there is risk associated with sexual activity, social isolation and psychosocial stressors are associated with an increased risk of death and morbidity (Friedler & McCullough, 2015). To decrease shameful feelings and risks associated with sex, research shows that sex has more frequent positive consequences long-term when enjoyed with a dating partner (Vasilenko et al., 2012). Positive sexual intimacy contributes to the longevity and quality of relationships. Consistent research demonstrates that people in stable romantic relationships have longer, healthier, and happier lives than people without a partner (Horwitz et al., 1998). We are social beings after all! Sexual compatibility enhances intimate connections, decreases isolation, and improves the quality of life.

Sex stimulates our bodies

Sex can relieve physical ailments leaving nothing but a pleasing sensation in the body! Aside from satisfying your romantic partner, you are also gratifying your body. Oxytocin additionally increases sexual arousal in the reproductive organs initiating orgasm. Habitual penile-vaginal intercourse (PVI) or masturbation manages the risk of diseases such as cardiovascular disease or prostate cancer (Diamond & Huebner, 2012). One study examined men aged 45 and 59 who reported a greater frequency of orgasm at baseline and had lower all-cause mortality over the 10-year follow-up (Smith, 1997).

Pain is reduced upon the release of endorphins during sex, and can help relieve headaches. Sex can also improve your mood by suppressing cortisol levels, promoting better sleep, and managing stress, depression, and anxiety. While cortisol helps address threats, elevated levels can cause a long list of diseases that lower life expectancy. During sex, pain is replaced with pleasure, and the combination of endorphins and dopamine mediates rewarding experiences keeping you motivated and rejuvenated.

Sex stimulates our souls

There are positive implications of spirituality in the mental health field. Spirituality is being open to the idea that there is a presence of something other than yourself (God, higher power, romantic partner, etc.), allowing you to go with the flow and lose the need to control. Spirituality is where your body, mind, and spirit are integrated to generate a state of enlightenment encompassing freedom, joy, and purpose. Applying spirituality can help an individual acquire greater life satisfaction by managing to cope with difficult situations with positive affect, identifying one’s values and remaining faithful to them, achieving higher morale, and finding deeper meaning and purpose in life. Finding one’s purpose and potential decreases the risk of anxiety and depression in social scenarios and in general. These qualities of spirituality can be encountered during and after sexual activities when acceptance, faith, and direct openness to someone’s aura other than yourself bring a sense of peace.

Sex can nourish spiritual health. Professor of Psychology and contributor to sex research, Donald L. Mosher Ph.D. (1980), found three classes of sexual involvement to crossover with the three spiritual paths, which are truth (mind), goodness (creative action), and beauty (joyful delight). There is a sacred quality of sex within the identified margins of partner engagement, role enactment, and sexual trance. Partner engagement encompasses building intimacy and connection, as described above. Role enactment has much to do with applying self-expression and creativity during the sexual episode. Lastly, sexual trance is the pleasure generated or joy experienced from sex.

A study explored the sacred qualities of sex and how it is expressed via the spiritual paths (Carlisle, 2018). Partner engagement was the most reported sexual involvement preference followed by sexual trance. This supports the evidence above that intimacy is necessary for a positive sexual experience and that spiritually we find a deeper meaning and purpose through social connection. Emotional cleansing, bodily pleasure, and emotional release were the most scored items associated with the prevalence of sacred qualities, which tie closely with sexual trance and how stimulating our bodies to help suppress pain.

Conclusion

Sex plays a holistic role in balancing and improving our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Positive sex and increased sexual activity can decrease mortality and morbidity. These advantages are often overlooked because we are more educated and familiar with the risks associated with sex. While the risks are valid, finding a healthy balance leads us to better informed personal care. Being open to exploring and researching sensual delights gets us closer to connecting with others and ourselves on a more intimate level while teaching us that our body has the resources to manage mental health and physical diseases.

Figuring out whether you are achieving any developmental milestone can be hard to track. That’s why I designed this exercise to help you identify your areas of personal growth!

The Self-Growth Pie Chart is specifically designed to help you to check your progress by self-evaluating six key areas that make up personal growth. The categories were developed by following various developmental and motivational concepts such as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Erik Erickson’s psychosocial stages, and the Chakras.

The factors I’ve identified that attribute to self-growth are self-discipline, self-expression, openness, self-compassion, self-trust, and self-respect. Each factor is plotted onto a pie chart with concentric dividers for users to shade in each region and asses on a scale from one to six how much they identify with the categories. Below is a brief description of each factor.

1. Self-Discipline

When you have self-discipline you are aware that you have responsibilities in order to survive. Such responsibilities include having a job to make a living and providing you with practical needs such as food and housing. Your responsibilities also impact others such as family members and work colleagues. As a result, you are logical and efficient. You can plan and are organized, making you dependable. Examples of low self-discipline include impulsivity, emotional, and physical neglect.

Here is an example of a list of tasks when practicing self-discipline:

• Writing a weekly meal plan to monitor your diet

• Engaging thirty minutes of exercise daily

• Mediate every morning before beginning work

• Setting up a monthly budget to monitor finances

• Writing down long-term goals and fulfilling them

2. Self-Expression

Self-expression involves allowing joy into your life through play. You are emotionally stable and use creative ways to express your emotions through artistic endeavors such as writing, drawing, singing, exercise, gardening, and other hobbies. Examples of low self-expression include moodiness, withdrawal, inhibition, and repression.

Here is an example of a list of tasks when practicing self-expression:

• Reading, writing, or journaling

• Playing music

• Drawing a positive memory

• Engaging in sexual intimacy with someone you love

3. Openness

Openness is the ability to act on curiosity and be flexible to change. You have lots of ideas and want to see them through. You see the potential in people and things and look to create a better world either independently or with others. You are self-sufficient and progressive and you don’t enjoy feeling stagnant. You simply go with the flow. Examples of low open-mindedness include being overly controlling, self-centeredness, preference for routine over change, and displaying fear of the unknown.

Here is an example of a list of tasks when practicing openness:

• Having a conversation with someone with different views

• Watching debates

• Learn a new craft

• Add a new activity to your daily routine

• Look at things in a completely different way (ex. pay attention to the object’s color rather than its shape)

4. Self-Compassion

Self-compassion means that you are one who does not judge and accepts making mistakes. You forgive yourself for your failures and understand they are but lessons for doing and being better. You are also capable of not taking things personally, such as accepting rejection and situations in which you have been harmed by others. Your empathy allows you to be reflective and curious about why people respond differently to situations. You can separate yourself from any conflict by looking at the big picture. You are able to be vulnerable and humble with others. Your human and imperfect aura allows others to feel comfortable in your presence and trust you. Low self-compassion is perfectionism, apathy, resentment, ruminating on negative thoughts, and anxiety.

Here is an example of a list of tasks when practicing self-compassion:

• Speak kindly to yourself and others daily

• Ask and don’t assume

• Track all your past mistakes and write down what you learned from them

• Be honest with others about your feelings

• Avoid playing the victim by identifying what’s in your control

5. Self-Trust

When you trust yourself you have clearly identified your values and live by them with loyalty. You have a balance of checking in with your mind and bodily sensations. You understand when something does or does not sit well with you and feel no shame for having those feelings. You display confidence in living your truth and are able to attach yourself to things that will honor how you wish to live. Having low self-trust means that you are neglectful of your needs and are over-compliant. You are not in touch with your emotions, have low self-esteem, and are dependent on others’ validation to prove your worth.

Here is an example of a list of tasks when practicing self-trust:

• Write a list of your values and remain loyal to them

• Say out loud to yourself what you believe in with pride

• Investigate what does not feel right to you

• Practice labeling your emotions when they surface

6. Self-Respect

Self-respect works hand-in-hand with self-trust. By knowing your worth and values you apply them by setting boundaries and being respectfully assertive. With emotional intelligence, you can be aware of how your actions and choices affect others. You are a mediator and are willing to negotiate, separate yourself from unhealthy situations, or make fair compromises. You are honest with yourself and others by practicing what you preach. You also know when it is important to take care of yourself. You practice self-care and are health cautious. Having little self-respect means allowing others’ emotions to influence your own, dishonesty, having poor boundaries, indulging in bad habits (addiction), and tolerating abuse.

Here is an example of a list of tasks when practicing self-trust:

• Ask questions before coming to a decision

• When something does not feel right for you, say it out loud and be open to how others respond

• State how something made you feel and make a compromise to see if your needs can be met

• Question what emotion or problem you are trying to avoid when you indulge in bad habits (alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.)

• Share your point of view without shame and with humility

Use the Self-Growth Pie Chart Now!

Now that you have grasped the six self-growth identifiers, download the worksheet and start setting realistic and attainable goals for yourself.

The first part is where you assess how far you are in each category on a numerical scale and shade it in the chart.

Next, generate a list of goals like the ones above to help you improve on the areas that need attention or have the lowest scores (3 and below).

Have fun!

Naturally, as emotionally sensitive beings, it is easy for us to desire moments of solitude. In fact, we are comfortable with it. Too much time alone, however, can be unhealthy and it is important to create a good balance of time to ourselves and time with other people that uplift us through emotional support, positivity, and depth. Despite having a temperament where we feel comfort and safety at home and in solitude, it can take a turn on us in many ways, and we end up feeling extremely lonely—after all, we are all social beings and being consistently around a social circle can do wonders for our mental health.

Here are a few ways that solitude can transform into loneliness:

• Too much introspection leads to overthinking. When little is happening in our lives we panic and focus too much on the negative things that are occurring, and we feel we have to fix things but don’t know where to begin. As a result, we become less grounded, unproductive, and anxious. Sometimes, we might even numb the negative feelings by depending on unhealthy easy-and-quick-fix solutions that temporarily help but bring us back to the vicious cycle.

• Lack of activity. While self-care is healthy, staying at home for too long and resting too much can lead to depression and less desire to act on anything because you are not doing anything to boost your brain health responsible for releasing those happy chemicals. Too much screen time also leads to fatigue and unhealthy sleeping patterns.

• External feedback. If we are reading things on the news that are upsetting, looking at profiles of individuals on social media that appear more successful, or if we notice that few people are reaching out to us, we naturally reach a moment of existential angst. We feel hopeless and question whether we are contributing to the world and we question if we are loved. Time is also relative, and in silence, we become aware that little is in motion.

Here are four solutions to help combat feelings of loneliness:

1. Ground yourself through meditation and breathing activities

Meditation and deep breathing methods can truly help with brain fog. Insight Timer is a fantastic app that has a full library of free meditation sessions that you can choose from that are both live and on-demand. Meditation recordings that cover words of affirmation are useful when you are feeling overwhelmed by the negative thoughts and pressure you are likely placing on yourself. Coming up with your own words of affirmation is a fun activity. Close your eyes and repeat a few you have written until they sink in and help release the tension in your body. Tapping exercises are helpful for you to acknowledge the presence of your negative emotions and gently let them go. To help get back in touch with your body, mindfulness recordings are helpful. Lastly, various breathing techniques regulate feelings of anxiety. Nadi Sodhana Pranayama or alternate nostril breathing is part of the Kundalini yoga practice that helps calm and relax the mind, soothes anxiety and stress, and creates a balance to promote clear thinking.

2. Find solutions to consistently exert physical and mental activity

Naturally, exercise is not for everyone. While it is advisable to go to the gym or dedicate at least a half-hour of daily physical exercise, there are other solutions to help avoid fatigue, depression, memory loss, and lack of productivity. Doing something you enjoy can help your brain remain stimulated. Taking a walk in nature or in your own neighborhood is helpful for brain cognition and mindful awareness, helping you feel peaceful and curious. Playing games such as crossword puzzles and memory cards is also mentally stimulating. Creative activities such as reading, journaling, painting, playing music, preparing food and cooking a nutritious meal, cleaning the house, or arts and crafts help you feel energetic while reminding you that you are capable of doing cool things that serve you. When you are in an unproductive mindset, it may be hard to start, but once you are in it I guarantee you will feel the energy rush!

3. Find time to detox from screen time

There is a lot of entertainment and activities in the virtual realm. However, too much digital engagement can cause psychological distress, unhealthy sleep patterns, and negative moods. While it feels you are connected with your external world, you are disconnected from yourself and your actual physical reality.

If you find yourself endlessly scrolling, it might be helpful to remove these habits from your daily routine. For example, practice eating without the phone next to you, pick up a book when you wake up instead of looking at painful news events, or keep your technology at home when you step outside for that walk. Being present with your environment helps you enjoy the world around you. Also, if you find yourself getting depressed by comparing the exciting-looking lifestyles of others, it’s time to step away from the screen and focus on yourself. Return to activities you used to enjoy and reconnect with yourself. Do the activities for you and try to remove the habit or need to share. You must be happy with your gifts before sharing them with the world. If you feel concerned about ignoring people as you detox, inform your close relationships that you are choosing to disconnect during certain hours of the day to reassure them that you will follow up with them. Taking back time to yourself removes that illusion that time is precious and helps bring back those lost hours you’ve felt anxious about.

4. Continue to build real connections

While it feels helpful every so often to distract yourself from loneliness and binge on your favorite show, drink that glass of wine alone, or play a video game at home, you will still return to the problems you had before. Enhance those experiences you enjoy by doing them outside of the home and pamper yourself. For example, go to an arcade venue if you enjoy video games, find a meetup group that shares your same passions and work together to be more productive, or have a drink at the bar and begin a conversation with your neighbor who was also brave enough to go alone. If you are concerned about your safety due to COVID restrictions, invite a close friend or family member you feel safe with to your home and engage in these activities together. Virtual interactions are great if your friends are far away, but it’s more uplifting for your mental health to meet up with people in-person who live close by. If you notice you are not receiving messages, take action and contact others. Do not choose to isolate yourself. Sometimes, we have to take initiative in order to improve the situation. Remember, you are making someone’s day by reaching out to them showing that they are in your thoughts. Displaying kindness towards others feels just as good as receiving support.

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